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Location: Mumbai, Maharashtra, India

Senior Assistant Editor, The Times of India newspaper

Sunday, May 30, 2004

The New York Times plans Iraq edition

The New York Times announced it will start an edition from Iraq as early as next week.
A Times spokesman said, 'We thought it better to start an edition from where the action is, rather than report news from second-hand sources and then apologise 10 months down the line,'
The edition will come cheaper for the Times, as all reporters and sub-editors will be local recruits.
Printing staff will also be all local residents.
First preference, the spokesman said, would be given to former staff of Iraqi newspapers that were pro-Saddam Hussein.
The Times sees a tremendous potential for readership in Iraq, especially with the United States troops stationed there.
Local residents are happy with the Times' unbiased coverage of the war in Iraq and will definitely welcome the newspaper.
With a full-fledged edition, the Times hopes to get its facts right on the war in Iraq, the spokesman added.
The resident editor's post, the spokesman claimed, would be finalised in a day or two. Sources within the Times organisation said its former reporter Jayson Blair was being considered for the top post.
Iraq administrator Paul Bremmer, with his vast experience in the country, will be a special adviser to the Times project.

World loses touch of time

What time is it? Sorry, nobody knows. The 'freak mishap' occurred after Swiss watchmakers went on strike. The Big Ben in London stopped working a few milliseconds later.
Another few milliseconds later, clocks and watches all over the world stopped working as a show of solidarity with the Swiss watchmakers.
A Swiss watchmaker who did not want to be identified, said his workers were making unreasonable demands like free watches for their families. He added, ‘This is no time for freebies.’
The British Broadcasting Corporation in London clarified that the Big Ben’s problem was technical and would be sorted out shortly. The world broadcaster said Big Ben was always independent and would never support any such silly strike action anywhere in the world.
Time magazine in Washington DC said it too could not tell the time. It blamed The New York Times in New York. A Time magazine spokesperson said, ‘It is the Times’ responsibility to handle matters of time. Unfortunately, these days, the Times is wasting its time carrying apologies and clarifications on its coverage and is not monitoring the movement of time.’
However, in a front page report, The New York Times said it had nothing to do with time and instead blamed The Times, London.
A telephone operator at The Times, London office, said all its reporters and staff were at 10 Downing Street and that she had no time to answer crazy queries.
The Times of India Sports Editor Ayaz Memon said all senior editors were in New Delhi running against time to work out an advertising deal with the new government in India.
The deal with the government, he explained, was 'you advertise, we don't criticise.' He then slammed the telephone, saying, 'It's deadline time!'
It is not know how much time it will take to resolve the problem.

Bush eats Rice for dinner

United States President George Bush last night ate National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice for dinner.
The President, said to be upset that the food of his choice was not prepared by his wife Barbara at the White House, summoned a Chinese chef from Washington DC late at night.
The President was at work, late through the night, clearing important files on Iraq, when Barbara rang him up on the White House intercom. Bush, obviously in a foul mood over the continuing attacks on US forces in Iraq, slammed the phone, saying, ‘Not now, baby!’
Mrs Bush interpreted that as her husband not wanting dinner and went to sleep.
The starving President summoned the chef from the nearby Chow Chang Choo Restaurant, Yuan Mo Ron, and told him he wanted Mixed Fried Rice to be made especially for him for dinner.
The chef, who has five degrees in Political Science from various universities, including Columbia, interpreted that as the President wanting to eat Condoleezza. Not wanting to irritate an already upset Bush by clarifying the facts, the chef rang up Rice and told her that the President wanted to meet her urgently at the White House.
When Rice reached the White House within minutes, the chef ordered the White House security to tie her up with ropes. He then dumped her in a huge cauldron, Asterix style, and cooked her alive.
The President, according to senior White House staff, burped after the meal and promised the chef a senior post in the administration.
Bush, at the time of going to the Press, has not been informed of the faux pas.
The Rice family is in a state of shock.

Greenpeace award for Bush

Greenpeace has presented the United States President George W Bush the Environmentalist of the Century Award at a function at the White House on Sunday.
The international organization said the award was presented as Bush had always encouraged the growth of bushes globally, and especially in the White House.
The Bush Administration’s policy on environment has also been acclaimed worldwide as being eco-friendly.
Bush is known to gift a bush to any world leader he visits him at the White House or Camp David. Even when he visits any country, Bush always carries along a bush, which he gifts to the leader of that country.
His by now famous comment, when presenting the gift is, ‘By George!’
All the world leaders, including British Prime Minister Tony Blair, have named the bushes ‘George’.
Greenpeace was said to be greatly impressed with this act of George Bush and then decided to create the award especially for the President.
A statement from Greenpeace said, ‘The world has the wrong impression that the US President George Bush is known for engaging in bush wars across the universe. He is, in fact, a lover of greenery and wildlife. For this we honor him, the greatest love of peace.’

Tony Blair admits: Jayson Blair my son

British Prime Minister Tony Blair admitted that reporter Jayson Blair, who quit The New York Times after he had plagiarised and fabricated dozens of stories, is his son.
Tony said he and his wife Cherie had dumped Jayson in New York when he was a new-born infant soon after they discovered his skin color.
Jayson was found by a do-gooder and taken to an orphanage in Manhattan. Later in life, Jayson lied and pretended to be of African American descent.
Jayson had quit The Times last May after admitting that he lied in many of his reports, while Tony is under pressure to quit since many months after his critics say he lied over the existence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
The British prime minister admitted he felt very guilty about his act and said he was in talks with Jayson for his safe return to the United Kingdom.
Cherie said she felt the same emotions and assured Jayson that she would ensure he got a job in a British tabloid which is known for faking stories. She would not reveal the tabloid's name for fear of someone sabotaging his job prospects.
In the one-line statement released to the world press, the senior Blairs said from 10 Downing Street, 'We love you, Jayson Blair!'
Jayson Blair refused to comment on the latest revelation.

Monday, May 24, 2004

CNN plans Larry King Dead

CNN announced today that it would soon launch a show to be called Larry King Dead.
The program would have star host Larry King interview stars from the past, who have died.
The logistics have nearly been worked out, a CNN spokesperson said. AT&T is said to be finalizing the network needed for linking up Heaven and Hell to Earth.
One of the first personalities King is likely to interview on his new show will be Jesus Christ. The choice comes as the controversial movie The Passion of the Christ is making headlines all over the world. The Devil is said to be lobbying hard to be featured on the inaugural show, but CNN top guns are said to be resisting.
Other top personalities lined up include Abraham Lincoln, John F Kennedy, Elvis Presley, Mother Teresa and Mahatma Gandhi.
King said it would not be a problem locating the personalities, as most of them would be in Heaven.
The program, true to its name, will be telecast in the dead of the night, in the United States.
CNN refused to say whether Larry King Live would continue.

Monday, May 17, 2004

Blogging to be banned

So called 'blogging' will be banned from June 1, 2004. Most world governments have agreed in principle to the ban and are busy consulting international legal experts and geeks on working out modalities for the ban, which they termed 'an evil'.

The ban plan follows an international campaign launched against blogs by many editors. The World Editors Guild said nowadays most journalists only blogged and never worked.

Guild President Nikhil Lakshman, who is the editor of rediff.com and the India Abroad newspaper said most of his senior editorial staff did nothing but blog the whole day and night. ''It is affecting work. blogging must be banned.''

Lakshman is said to have written to United States President George W Bush and convinced him about the ban.

Bush reportedly replied to Lakshman, ''Yes, I agree with you. These bloggers do nothing but speak evil about the United States of America. They have conned many editors into taking fake photographs of American and British troops in Iraq too. Some day they will clog the world with blogs if we don't ban them now.''
British Prime Minister Tony Blair said, ''I totally agree with Mr Bush.''

United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan said, ''If Bush supports the ban, I too support it. The UN always believes in doing what is good for the world.''
Top bloggers were unavailable for comment as they were busy blogging.

Mel Gibson plans The Passion of the Devil

Mel Gibson is not giving up after the unprecedented success of his film The Passion of the Christ. He will now make The Passion of the Devil.

The filmmaker admitted that soon after he made The Passion of the Christ, he had a dream. The Devil, he revealed, appeared to him in a dream and spoke to him for about an hour.

Gibson refused to reveal details on their discussion in his dream. But sources close to very reliable sources that are very close to Gibson said that the Devil is said to have requested the star to make a film on him.

Gibson, unwilling to make enemies either in Heaven or Hell, is said to have agreed to the project in principle.

Shooting is likely to begin in Iraq, soon after the fighting ends there. A proposal to shoot live in Hell was turned down by Gibson after the Devil rejected a request for air-conditioning on the sets.

Gibson, who is now said to have been converted, reportedly screamed recently at a fan who congratulated him on the success of his movie on Christ, 'To hell with you!!!''
Top film critics said this clearly implied his conversion to Satanism.

Expenses for The Passion of the Devil will be nil for Gibson, as the Devil is said to be totally sponsoring the project.

Laughter the worst medicine: doctors

Laughter is the worst medicine, doctors in a top international medical research center in London have revealed.

Dr Henry Livingston, director of the London Medical Sciences Institute, stated, ‘‘Don’t ever laugh! It can kill you!’’

Till now it has been believed that laughter is the best medicine, but Dr Livingston stated that medical experiments conducted on 100 people from the United States of America, the United Kingdom, France, China, India and Haiti proved that laughter is dangerous.

He said that most patients had put on excess weight when they laughed twice a day. Those who laughed 10 times a day put on at least 10 pounds after a month of experimentation, he revealed.

And those who laughed 11 times died immediately after the experiments ended.
Dr Livingston suggested that people take life very seriously if they want to live long. ‘‘Life is no laughing matter,’’ he stated.

He concluded by saying that people must not read anything to do with laughter, but quickly added that people could read thespoof.com as the satire web site had an inbuilt mechanism to take care of excess laughter that could lead to death.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Schwarzenegger to end Iraq war

United States President George W Bush is about to make an important announcement that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be appointed to a special post in Iraq.
White House officials told this correspondent the California governor was given a one-line brief: end the war in Iraq.
The officials said the only thing Schwarzenegger has been promised by Bush is a special armoured tank and a rocket launcher.
Schwarzenegger can travel to any part of Iraq he wants. He will have unlimited access.
He can do what he wants. He can sack whom he wants. He can appoint whom he wants. He can kill whom he wants.
But, he has to end the uprising following the overthrow and subsequent capture of Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein.
Schwarzenegger is said to have agreed to the brief and even went to the extent of telling Bush that he would need no arms, as he had his own, to deal with the conflict.
''I will rip them apart raw, with my bare hands. Those Iraqis who do not respect my President, how dare they!'' he said.
The Terminator termed as True Lies suggestions that he was afraid to take on the Iraqi Commandos.
By The Sixth Day, he said, he would turn on the Red Heat on the infidels in Iraq.
If he failed in his mission, he stated, he would be ready for a Total Recall.
He said he was also ready to take on The Running Man Osama bin Laden.

Google is lost

Google is lost. A worldwide web search has been launched to located the search engine and its employees.
Yahoo, MSN an other top search engines have been entrusted with the task of locating Google and its staff.
Scotland Yard, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Central Intelligence Agency, the Department of Homeland Security and other leading agencies have been included in the hunt.
There have been conflicting reports on how Google got lost. One report said that an Iraqi missile attack had obliterated the search engine and its employees from the face of the Earth and the web.
Another report said Google had staged the act to gain publicity.
The Spoof learns that anyone who locates Google will be gifted two free Gmail accounts.
Obviously, no Google employee was available for comment.

AOL to offer 1,000 GB of Email storage for free

Gmail, watch out, here comes AOL. What Gmail can do, AOL can do better.

After Gmail announced April 1 this year that it would offer from 1 GB of free email storage in its new email service, AOL today announced it would offer 1,000 GB of free email storage from April 1, 2005.

Beta testing for AOL's new offer is on. Experts said it would zip all email archived, and would unzip it when the subscriber wants to read it. With that, it will save precious server space.

All active AOL subscribers are being offered beta testing of the new service.

Some subscribers we spoke to over the telephone said the service was 'superb!'
An AOL spokesman said, 'With Gmail you can save all mail in a lifetime. With AOL's new service, you will be able to save all mail of 100 lifetimes.'

Gmail was unavailable for comment. Repeated calls to the Gmail headquarters drew this automated reply: This route is busy. Please try again after some time. In the meantime, Google!'

Bush tortures Rumsfeld: Exclusive photos!

United States President George W Bush summoned his Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to the White House and tortured him for nearly an hour May 9.

Stunning photographs of the torture are being circulated across the Arab world.
Former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein, in a reaction secretly smuggled out to Al Jazeera television, is learned to have stated: ‘Rumsfeld deserved it. I wish I could have joined Mr Bush in the torture!’

Bush is said to have repeatedly taunted Rumsfeld during that hour in a toilet in the White House. He used a leather whip to get Rumsfeld to bend on his knees and plead, ‘Don’t, Sir. Don’t, Sir. I will never do it again all alone. The next time we do it, I will definitely invite you!’

One photograph has National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice, in military uniform, standing beside a battered Rumsfeld, who was near-naked.

Secretary of State Colin Powell is said to have walked out soon after the torture began, saying, ‘This place truly stinks!’

In an exclusive satellite television arrangement with BBC World, British Prime Minister Tony Blair is said to have watched the torture live.

Later, White House emergency medical staff reportedly rushed Rumsfeld to a secret private hospital, where he is recovering.

Bush has ordered a high-level inquiry into how news of the torture leaked out.

If anyone wants exclusive post-card prints of the torture, free of cost, please email me at anthonydcosta@gmail.com with your real name, address, day time telephone number and clearly mention sex. Remember, the photographs are graphic!

Bush to outsource his job from India

United States President George W Bush has decided to outsource his job from India.

The move follows unprecedented pressure the President is under, with too many things happening all over the world and America being unable to bring about peace.

As if the Israel-Palestine problem was not enough to handle, India-Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq, Haiti and a host of other hotspots popped up on the global map.

According to top US administration sources, Bush called up Indian Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee and requested him to make arrangements for his job to be outsourced from India.

Bush and Vajpayee share a very good equation, with the former helping the Indian leader make peace with Pakistan. The peace moves with Pakistan, Vajpayee’s Bharatiya Janata Party-led National Democratic Alliance hopes, will secure it another term in office.

Vajpayee is said to have agreed to make arrangements for the outsourcing, despite his own heavy schedule, with a national election coming up.

Many top Indian politicians, including Indian Deputy Prime Minister L K Advani and Opposition leader Sonia Gandhi, are said to be lobbying for the top post.

With the Congress Party set for a humiliating defeat in the national election, Gandhi seems to be the hot favorite. Her Italian lineage will help, with the Americans having a soft corner for immigrants.

At the time of going to press, details on the exact mechanics of the outsourcing were not available. International political analysts who did not want to be identified said Bush could continue to be President in name, while an Indian would handle the day-to-day running of the administration. Indian political pundits, who again did not want to be identified, ruled that out, and said the US President would probably shift to Camp David for the rest of his term.

The decision to outsource the job in India reported came after all senior US administration officials refused the job. Bush is said to have feared that Democratic challenger John F Kerry could make a bid for the top job.

The US media is yet to react to the President’s move, but the reaction is likely to be negative with the nation up in arms against outsourcing of jobs from India.

Repeated telephone calls to Bush and e-mails to the White House were not answered.

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