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Location: Mumbai, Maharashtra, India

Senior Assistant Editor, The Times of India newspaper

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Blast City rocked by 5 billion blasts

Blast City, about 2,000 miles north of Last City, the capital of Lost City, in the Disunited States, was rocked by nearly five billion blasts late last night.

The impact of the blasts was so great, said an eyewitness, that there were absolutely no remains of bodies or debris anywhere in the entire city.

The eyewitness said it was impossible to disclose the exact number of blasts but admitted that it could be about five billion.

The eyewitness later succumbed to injuries in the city’s main hospital which later shut down due to non-availability of medical and non-medical staff.

A badly injured Blast City Mayor Mastar Blastar told a press conference that was not attended by any media representative that the city was having a blast when the blasts occurred one after the other, with a 59 second time gap.

Blastar died of shock a little later, sources who did not wish to be identified, stated.

Police officials in the blasted city were all believed dead and were thus not available for comment.

Rescue services from neighboring towns, cities, districts and nations have been requisitioned. The United Nations has also been approached for assistance.

A spokesperson for Secretary General Kofi Annan said the request would be discussed threadbare at a General Assembly meeting in a week and would be granted only after approval of all participants of the meeting.

World leaders, including United States President George W Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair have blasted those responsible for the blasts. We will request Israel to launch precision missile attacks against those responsible, no matter which part of the world they were in, they asserted in a very strongly worded statement released exclusively to CNN and BBC.

Bush has offered to personally adopt the blast stricken city. He also named it a sister city of New York City.

All major television stations have decided to black out coverage of the blasts as it would give undue publicity to terrorists they stated.

CNN and BBC, however, decided to run blank screens for 24 hours as a mark of respect for the victims.

Guinness Book of World Records officials are investigating the authenticity of the reports of the blasts for inclusion in the 2006 edition of the best-selling book.

Israel wipes out Iran

A day after the Iranian President said Israel must be wiped out, the Jewish nation struck back and wiped out the Islamic country in a dramatic move that will surely have international ramifications.

Initial reports said Israel had fired 10 long range missiles at the country and totally destroyed it. Sources in Mossad had said the country was reduced to rubble after the attack, which was hard-hitting.

The sources said there was no chance of there being any survivor after the missile attack.

However, the White House said it was checking out the reports before President George W Bush could issue any condemnation or praise.

British intelligence sources had a totally different story to tell on the so-called attack. The sources said there was no such missile attack.

Instead, they said, the Israelis held a secret high level meeting where the word Iran was written in chalk on a huge blackboard. An Israeli troop then took a duster and wiped out the word from the blackboard and then proudly announced that Iran had been wiped out.

The sources said the initial reports were completely false and deliberate, and were meant to provoke the Islamic world to launch an attack against a peaceful Israel.

The British sources said the act of ‘wiping out’ Iran from the blackboard was symbolic and peaceful but was meant to show Iran that Israel meant serious business and would not tolerate any nonsense.

The Palestine authorities said they too would react only after confirming the reports. If the initial report was true, they said, they would wipe out Israel from a white board, at a secret ceremony at a secret location that will later be telecast on Al Jazeera worldwide.

Al Jazeera said its reporters were confirming all reports and would not telecast any rumours that could provoke further violence in the volatile region.

All news agencies, including Associated Press and Reuters also said they were confirming the reports of Iran being wiped out.

Ebay said it was trying to secure the historic duster the trooper used from the Israeli authorities, for auction on its site, if the report was true.

Google engineers said their search engines were yet to detect any reports on any attack by Israel on Iran.

Microsoft to start international newspaper

Microsoft is planning to start a multilingual international newspaper.

The software giant chief, Bill Gates, told The Spoof, the newspaper would be available only on personal computers across the world, ready for print, from November 1.

The deadlines for each time zone have been worked out by Microsoft engineers, so that people in any part of the world with Internet access would get the latest news.

The newspaper, to be called Microsoft Times, Microsoft Post or Microsoft Samachar, will be free and will generate revenue through advertisements.

Ten percent of revenue generated through the advertisements will go towards AIDS research, Gates said.

Asked why he chose The Spoof to make such a major announcement, he said that if Google could choose April 1, April Fool’s Day, to launch Gmail, this was a smarter, strategic move that will take Microsoft to the number one spot on Forbes Top 100 annual list.

Among the frontrunners for editorship is said to be Vinay Kamat, a senior editor with the new and hot Mumbai based daily newspaper, DNA (Daily News & Analysis).

Kamat declined to comment, but associates said it was in his DNA to become the editor of the newspaper.

Gates will be its chief patron editor-in-chief and will oversee its day-to-day operations, besides ensuring the right mix of stories for the front page.

Top editors of The New York Times, Washington Post and Seattle Times are said to have declined the billion dollar job, taking the news to be a spoof.

The newspaper will be available in 200 languages, through software designed by Microsoft techies. The newspaper will be produced in English and then translated within seconds.

A Google spokesman said they were negotiating with Microsoft an option of offering a free search in the A4 sized, 100-page newspaper. A source said they would hit back soon and would not take Microsoft latest move lying down.

Yahoo said it would not offer any Microsoft related sites to throw up on its search if the newspaper is launched.

Top media analyst, Ayaz Memon, said Microsoft’s newspaper would be revolutionary, but the wicket could turn at any time. He said he would write an exclusive, daily column on cricket for the newspaper.

Bush appoints Kerry Vice President

United States President George W Bush today appointed Senator John Kerry Vice President.

The appointment came shortly after Vice President Dick Cheney was admitted to hospital due to breathlessness.Bush's action is being seen as media analysts as heartwarming after Bush defeated Kerry in the recent President election by a narrow margin.

The election had nearly divided the United States of America.

Kerry, in an exclusive but very brief chat with The Spoof over the telephone, admitted that he had been invited by Bush to be Vice President and he had graciously accepted the offer.

Kerry is likely assume office 'shortly' according the top White House sources.

With Kerry's appointment, the United States of America will demolish all global misconceptions that it is a divided nation.

As a payback, Kerry is expected to toe the Bush line.

Cheney was not available for comment. His family said they were not authorized to comment.

Doctors were unwilling to comment on his illness, except state that he was admitted following breathlessness.

Cheney has had a history of heart attacks.

Bush had met British Prime Minister Tony Blair recently and had apparently discussed this possibility with him.

Blair is said to have immediately agreed to Bush's plan to appoint Kerry as Vice President.Other world leaders have also welcomed Kerry's appointment as Vice President.

The Presidents of France, Germany, Italy, South Africa, China, India, Sri Lanka and Fiji were among a long list.

One of Bush’s strongest critics, filmmaker Michael Moore, also welcomed Kerry’s appointment.

He told The Spoof, that with Kerry’s appointment, he would give up plans to make a sequel to his Fahrenheit 9/11.In a breaking news development, Al Jazeera reported that Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden had also welcomed Kerry’s appointment as Vice President of the United States of America.

He told the television channel that he would now pledge to give up violence and assured the US that he would not launch any attack on it.

Sources close to former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein said he would be freed shortly after Kerry assumed office as an act of goodwill. Hussein is likely to be returned charge of his country, but under strict US supervision.Kerry has pledged him billions of dollars in aid if he behaved himself, the sources added.

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