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Location: Mumbai, Maharashtra, India

Senior Assistant Editor, The Times of India newspaper

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Bush spoof

This is a must see video on United States President George W Bush, from GeoTV.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Blast City rocked by 5 billion blasts

Blast City, about 2,000 miles north of Last City, the capital of Lost City, in the Disunited States, was rocked by nearly five billion blasts late last night.

The impact of the blasts was so great, said an eyewitness, that there were absolutely no remains of bodies or debris anywhere in the entire city.

The eyewitness said it was impossible to disclose the exact number of blasts but admitted that it could be about five billion.

The eyewitness later succumbed to injuries in the city’s main hospital which later shut down due to non-availability of medical and non-medical staff.

A badly injured Blast City Mayor Mastar Blastar told a press conference that was not attended by any media representative that the city was having a blast when the blasts occurred one after the other, with a 59 second time gap.

Blastar died of shock a little later, sources who did not wish to be identified, stated.

Police officials in the blasted city were all believed dead and were thus not available for comment.

Rescue services from neighboring towns, cities, districts and nations have been requisitioned. The United Nations has also been approached for assistance.

A spokesperson for Secretary General Kofi Annan said the request would be discussed threadbare at a General Assembly meeting in a week and would be granted only after approval of all participants of the meeting.

World leaders, including United States President George W Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair have blasted those responsible for the blasts. We will request Israel to launch precision missile attacks against those responsible, no matter which part of the world they were in, they asserted in a very strongly worded statement released exclusively to CNN and BBC.

Bush has offered to personally adopt the blast stricken city. He also named it a sister city of New York City.

All major television stations have decided to black out coverage of the blasts as it would give undue publicity to terrorists they stated.

CNN and BBC, however, decided to run blank screens for 24 hours as a mark of respect for the victims.

Guinness Book of World Records officials are investigating the authenticity of the reports of the blasts for inclusion in the 2006 edition of the best-selling book.

Israel wipes out Iran

A day after the Iranian President said Israel must be wiped out, the Jewish nation struck back and wiped out the Islamic country in a dramatic move that will surely have international ramifications.

Initial reports said Israel had fired 10 long range missiles at the country and totally destroyed it. Sources in Mossad had said the country was reduced to rubble after the attack, which was hard-hitting.

The sources said there was no chance of there being any survivor after the missile attack.

However, the White House said it was checking out the reports before President George W Bush could issue any condemnation or praise.

British intelligence sources had a totally different story to tell on the so-called attack. The sources said there was no such missile attack.

Instead, they said, the Israelis held a secret high level meeting where the word Iran was written in chalk on a huge blackboard. An Israeli troop then took a duster and wiped out the word from the blackboard and then proudly announced that Iran had been wiped out.

The sources said the initial reports were completely false and deliberate, and were meant to provoke the Islamic world to launch an attack against a peaceful Israel.

The British sources said the act of ‘wiping out’ Iran from the blackboard was symbolic and peaceful but was meant to show Iran that Israel meant serious business and would not tolerate any nonsense.

The Palestine authorities said they too would react only after confirming the reports. If the initial report was true, they said, they would wipe out Israel from a white board, at a secret ceremony at a secret location that will later be telecast on Al Jazeera worldwide.

Al Jazeera said its reporters were confirming all reports and would not telecast any rumours that could provoke further violence in the volatile region.

All news agencies, including Associated Press and Reuters also said they were confirming the reports of Iran being wiped out.

Ebay said it was trying to secure the historic duster the trooper used from the Israeli authorities, for auction on its site, if the report was true.

Google engineers said their search engines were yet to detect any reports on any attack by Israel on Iran.

Microsoft to start international newspaper

Microsoft is planning to start a multilingual international newspaper.

The software giant chief, Bill Gates, told The Spoof, the newspaper would be available only on personal computers across the world, ready for print, from November 1.

The deadlines for each time zone have been worked out by Microsoft engineers, so that people in any part of the world with Internet access would get the latest news.

The newspaper, to be called Microsoft Times, Microsoft Post or Microsoft Samachar, will be free and will generate revenue through advertisements.

Ten percent of revenue generated through the advertisements will go towards AIDS research, Gates said.

Asked why he chose The Spoof to make such a major announcement, he said that if Google could choose April 1, April Fool’s Day, to launch Gmail, this was a smarter, strategic move that will take Microsoft to the number one spot on Forbes Top 100 annual list.

Among the frontrunners for editorship is said to be Vinay Kamat, a senior editor with the new and hot Mumbai based daily newspaper, DNA (Daily News & Analysis).

Kamat declined to comment, but associates said it was in his DNA to become the editor of the newspaper.

Gates will be its chief patron editor-in-chief and will oversee its day-to-day operations, besides ensuring the right mix of stories for the front page.

Top editors of The New York Times, Washington Post and Seattle Times are said to have declined the billion dollar job, taking the news to be a spoof.

The newspaper will be available in 200 languages, through software designed by Microsoft techies. The newspaper will be produced in English and then translated within seconds.

A Google spokesman said they were negotiating with Microsoft an option of offering a free search in the A4 sized, 100-page newspaper. A source said they would hit back soon and would not take Microsoft latest move lying down.

Yahoo said it would not offer any Microsoft related sites to throw up on its search if the newspaper is launched.

Top media analyst, Ayaz Memon, said Microsoft’s newspaper would be revolutionary, but the wicket could turn at any time. He said he would write an exclusive, daily column on cricket for the newspaper.

Bush appoints Kerry Vice President

United States President George W Bush today appointed Senator John Kerry Vice President.

The appointment came shortly after Vice President Dick Cheney was admitted to hospital due to breathlessness.Bush's action is being seen as media analysts as heartwarming after Bush defeated Kerry in the recent President election by a narrow margin.

The election had nearly divided the United States of America.

Kerry, in an exclusive but very brief chat with The Spoof over the telephone, admitted that he had been invited by Bush to be Vice President and he had graciously accepted the offer.

Kerry is likely assume office 'shortly' according the top White House sources.

With Kerry's appointment, the United States of America will demolish all global misconceptions that it is a divided nation.

As a payback, Kerry is expected to toe the Bush line.

Cheney was not available for comment. His family said they were not authorized to comment.

Doctors were unwilling to comment on his illness, except state that he was admitted following breathlessness.

Cheney has had a history of heart attacks.

Bush had met British Prime Minister Tony Blair recently and had apparently discussed this possibility with him.

Blair is said to have immediately agreed to Bush's plan to appoint Kerry as Vice President.Other world leaders have also welcomed Kerry's appointment as Vice President.

The Presidents of France, Germany, Italy, South Africa, China, India, Sri Lanka and Fiji were among a long list.

One of Bush’s strongest critics, filmmaker Michael Moore, also welcomed Kerry’s appointment.

He told The Spoof, that with Kerry’s appointment, he would give up plans to make a sequel to his Fahrenheit 9/11.In a breaking news development, Al Jazeera reported that Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden had also welcomed Kerry’s appointment as Vice President of the United States of America.

He told the television channel that he would now pledge to give up violence and assured the US that he would not launch any attack on it.

Sources close to former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein said he would be freed shortly after Kerry assumed office as an act of goodwill. Hussein is likely to be returned charge of his country, but under strict US supervision.Kerry has pledged him billions of dollars in aid if he behaved himself, the sources added.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Bush arrested

Canada charges United States President with war crimes
(from a fake CNN site)

Monday, October 18, 2004

The Onion 2004 Election Guide

Enough reading matter from The Onion to keep you busy till polling day

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Bull shortage hits world economy

A shortage of bulls has affected the world economy, a leading economist has stated.

Shishir Bhate, a consultant with the World Bank’s India office, stated in New Delhi, a day before the presentation of the federal Indian Budget, that most economies desperately needed more bulls.

Trading on Wall Street came to a halt for 10 minutes after his statement was released to the world media. The Wall Street Journal featured his statement prominently on Page 45, which led to stocks of major trading firms to crash by 0.11 points.

Bhate said that butchers in India slaughtered millions of bulls each day to cater to meat lovers, which he felt was unfortunate.

McDonalds immediately came out with a statement asserting that it did not use beef in any of its products. The clarification saw its stocks rise by 0.11 points on the world markets.

The stock markets had advertised for bulls, but the animals seem to have missed the advertisement in international dailies.

‘The advertisement failed to hit the bulls eye,’ an advertising executive with Lowe Advertising stated.

Bhate said Spain was also drawing many bulls for its famous bullfights. Spain has stubbornly refused to divert its bulls to the stock markets, for a bull run.

Nandita Malik, an economist with the rival India Bank World Office retorted, ‘Talk of a bull shortage affecting the world economy is all bull. We have to grin and bear with it.’

Aslam Hunani, a Dubai-based dealer in top international stocks, however, claimed that the world economy was not witnessing a bull run simply because the bulls were tired.

Cruise liner sinks in Sahara desert

The world’s largest passenger cruise liner QE VIII sank in the Sahara desert, possibly killing all its 20,000 crew and 50 passengers.

The freak mishap occurred soon after the liner took a diversion, on advice from a lighthouse, following a severe storm in a passenger’s teacup.

Unfortunately, the cruiser encountered sinking sand in the desert.

Unconfirmed reports stated that the cruise captain deserted the ship, like a rat, minutes before it sank into the hot sand.

But the captain’s mistress, in a highly emotional statement from Dubai, said she was dead sure that her lover was among the victims.

Emergency rescue teams have been flown to the site to try and ensure the crew is safely evacuated.

Ecological experts have labeled the disaster ‘monstrous.’ The mishap will create a huge crater in the desert, an expert said. ‘The accident will leave a void which cannot be replaced.’

Private investigators believe that some prisoners from a nearby jail could have been digging a huge underground escape tunnel, which led to the unfortunate incident.

Most passengers are believed to be filthy rich Arabs who had just eaten their meals and were on to the deserts.

The media in the Gulf has blacked out news of the tragedy.

Sex guru invents Xes therapy

World famous sex guru Dhiraj Shetty has invented Xes, which he claims will solve all sex-related problems.

Contacted in India’s software capital Bangalore, all that the hardcore sex specialist said, when asked about his latest invention, was, ‘Bang, bang!!!’

Sources close to Shetty’s aides said Xes would make life problem-free and more enjoyable. They refused to reveal what exactly Xes was. They only said that their guru had contacted the United Nations International Child Education Fund for Xes to be introduced in the curriculum of schools worldwide.

They said they too would set up at least one million specialized schools which will teach the techniques of nothing but Xes.

‘Xes is for the masses. It should be learned by children from the school level. After following it, you will forget all about sex,’ a press statement from the guru’s office said.

Rival sex guru Salil Kumar said from Madras in south India, ‘It is nothing but sex, read backwards. Shetty is a conman who gets high on grass. Please do not believe in him. His therapy will lead to frustration and disappointment.’

Kid demolishes West Bank Wall

A Palestinian boy drove his 1994 model toy car right into Israel’s controversial West Bank Wall, leading to its collapse.

Stunned Israeli soldiers looked on as Sheikh Bin Mohammad Al-Fakir, 7, played with his car, near the border. Witnesses said the kid lost control of the car after its brakes failed.

Israel had begun construction of the controversial wall in 2002 to keep away Palestinian suicide bombers. But the Palestinians consider it a means to annex their territory.

An Israeli Defense Ministry spokesman said the child’s act was deliberate and aimed at destabilizing relations between Israel and Palestine.

The spokesman said the child had been identified and would be targeted for a missile attack shortly.

Truckloads of cement and bricks were seen rushing towards the scene shortly after the incident. Work on reconstruction of the wall will begin shortly, according to sources.

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has summoned an emergency cabinet meeting to discuss the course of action.

Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat has congratulated Al-Fakir for his ‘bold and decisive act’ and called on fellow Palestinians to follow his example.

Al-Fakir escaped with minor injuries on his little thumb.

In Washington, United States President George W Bush said he would personally finance reconstruction of the wall.

A Toys R Us spokesman in New York confirmed the car was purchased from its Manhattan store many years back.

Dennis to stop being a menace, may marry

Dennis the Menace, created by cartoonist Hank Ketcham, will no longer be the most enduringly irresistible imp in the world.

Dennis the Menace first began to plague his next-door neighbor Mr Wilson in 1950 on the pages of America's newspapers. Today, the comic appears in more than 1,000 newspapers in 48 countries and in 19 languages.

Dennis told reporters in Haiti, where he shifted recently due to ‘political compulsion,’ that he had to get away from all the sex and violence that was so rampant in the United States of America and had thus moved to one of the most peaceful countries.

He said he would stop being a menace, despite still having Mr Wilson as his neighbor in Haiti.

Mr Wilson welcomed the development and has decided to host a tea party at his home as a goodwill gesture.

Dennis, he said, was welcome to enter his home at anytime of the day or night, and do whatever he wanted.

Dennis said his change of heart came after he saw the Mel Gibson movie The Passion of the Christ.

Family sources said Dennis was contemplating marrying his longtime girlfriend Margaret Wade.

Bush critics to migrate to Mars

Anti-United States President George W Bush Foundation members have, at a secret meeting, unanimously decided to migrate to Mars.

The members, in a resolution adopted 10 billion to zero, said they could no longer tolerate Bush’s presidency and decided that there was no place on Earth to avoid him. They thus opted for Mars.

They have approached the National Aeronautics and Space Administration to organize space missions to Mars, as quickly as possible. They want one mission to take off everyday.

Each member will pay for his own one-way ticket to Mars.

Going by various opinion polls conducted in the United States over the last few months, the foundation members felt there was no way anyone could defeat Bush.

Bush, they said, staged a global public relations coup, with the handing over of power to the people of Iraq two days before schedule.

However, Bush, in a one-minute address to the nation telecast on Iraq Television, told Americans he was not one to take defeat lying down. ‘I will not give up. They have high hopes if they think they are safe from me on Mars,’ he asserted.

Bush aides said technically Bush has control over Mars too. ‘We can stop water supply on Mars. Let’s see how his critics live,’ an aide laughed.

Independent observers said the foundation’s plan effectively meant that there would be no opposition to Bush on Earth.

Meanwhile, residents of Mars have welcomed the foundation members to their planet.

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Euro 2004 abandoned

Euro 2004 has been abandoned on the eve of the semi-finals in Portugal.

England, Spain, Germany and France have exerted pressure on the European Championship 2004 Organizing Committee after they all failed to enter the semi-finals.

The quartet said the tournament was no longer world class with unknown football playing countries in the semi-final lineup.

Portugal play Holland and Greece play the Czech Republic in the semi-finals.

England has stated that it had to be declared winner of the championship.

Top football stars, including David Beckham of England stand to lose millions of dollars as their countries have not made it to the Euro 2004 finals.

Sky Sports said it would not telecast any further games, if the tournament went ahead. A spokesman said they were not ready for poor viewer rating.

The French have said they lost as French fries were not available at any restaurant in Portugal. ‘That affected our players’ stamina,’ a dejected supporter said from Paris over the videophone.

Beckham blamed his team’s loss on Rebecca Loos, his ‘alternative wife’ in Spain, where he plays for Real Madrid. ‘I suddenly thought of Loos at the penalty shootout against France, and my shot landed in Spain,’ Beckham joked.

The Spanish team said it was a washout as the rain in Portugal did not stay mainly in the plains.

Hollywood takes over Bollywood

Hollywood, the United States’ multi-billion dollar movie industry has taken over India’s Hindi cinema industry, popularly known as Bollywood.

The new industry will now be known as Bhollywood.

Both industries hope to gain from the multi-trillion dollar takeover as far as finance and talent are concerned.

Hollywood bigwigs are said to have long envied many Indian film stars for their acting skills and large fan following. Bollywood icon Amitabh Bachchan's fan following is said to be 10 times more than that of any Hollywood star's worldwide fan following.

With the takeover, there will be a sharing of talent from both sides. Hollywood’s stars, directors, producers, camera men and others will teach the Indian stars more about sex scenes and gore, while Bollywood’s stars and their secretaries, directors, producers and others will teach their US counterparts about ‘song and dance’ skills.

Bachchan, the Big B of Indian cinema, and George W Bush, the Big B of the United States of America, signed the takeover deal in Washington DC.

The entire signing ceremony, which has been videotaped, will be released as a movie on the big screen in theaters in the US and India. It will be called The Signs.

The deal implies that it will be easier for Hollywood stars to act in Hindi films and Bollywood stars to act in Hollywood films.

Joint productions are expected shortly. In fact, the first Hollywood-Bollywood production Gangs of Mumbai, starring Hollywood's Leonardo DiCaprio and India's Aishwarya Rai, is expected in a few months. Mumbai is India's film capital.

Bollywood’s stars were the first to react to news about the takeover.

Rai, a former beauty queen, and now one of India’s top actresses, said she was glad that finally she would be able to earn her living in dollars.

Rani Mukherjee said she would change her name to Queen Mukherjee. ‘Rani’ is the Hindi term for Queen. Similarly, Shah Rukh Khan will change his name to Lord Rukh Khan.

Abhishek Bachchan, the star son of Amitabh Bachchan, is said to be in Washington too, busy signing deals for movie roles in Hollywood blockbusters planned for next year.

'The Hindi cinema industry is in the dumps, with an increasing number of flops. The takeover is welcome,' the Junior Bachchan said.

Hollywood stars Tom Hanks, Mel Gibson and others are in Mumbai to sign deals with Hindi film producers and directors.

With the takeover, the signing of deals has been simplified. All the stars will have to do is put their thumb impression on the papers, as many Indians sign important documents in remote villages.

A top film scriptwriter in Mumbai heaved a sigh of relief on hearing the news of the takeover. 'At least now I will not have to lift scripts and story ideas from Hollywood flicks,' he said.

US plans to invade India

United States President George W Bush, at a late night meeting with top aides at the White House, has approved of a plan to invade India.

The President told his aides that with the handing over of power in Iraq, US troops would shortly be without any action, and the best option was to invade India.

His aides agreed with him immediately and got about working out strategy.

Colin Powell, who has visited India many times on peace-making missions, will take over as US Administrator, it has been agreed.

CIA spies and FBI agents in India are said to have reported back to the US administration that the time was right for an invasion. The official reason to be given would be India’s latest peace efforts with Pakistan, which would be detrimental to India-US relations.

The President is said to be upset with the recent anti-America statements of the new Congress Party-led government. Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh in a recent nationally telecast address to the nation said, ‘If it is a choice between them and us, I will choose them.’

Political pundits were perplexed over the meaning of the terms ‘them’ and ‘us’ but Bush’s aides stated that it clearly implied the Indian government was not supporting ‘us’, the US.

A platoon of US troops is slated to walk into Parliament when the House is in session shortly, and take control of the country.

A Bush aide said the troops would stay put in Parliament till the situation there improved, in an obvious reference to repeated unruly scenes in the House.

Death dies in remote Indian village

Death died an untimely death at a remote village in India.

Death was aged more than 50 billion years old and was living a reclusive life in the village, which the Indian authorities have refused to identify for national security reasons as they feared a deadly backlash from purists.

Psychoanalysts said with Death’s death the whole world would live forever.

God and Satan have deeply mourned the ‘unfortunate death’ of Death. In a first of its kind joint press release they said the death would affect residency at Heaven and Hell.

Both said they would work out a joint project that ensures people die so that they can go to either Heaven or Hell.

They have approached the multinational Glaxo to work out a drug to kill people when the time comes for their souls to depart from Earth.

The two said if all their efforts fail, as a last resort, they would shift operations to Mars.

The Pope has welcomed the long-awaited death of Death.

He waved his hand and offered a smile when asked for his reaction.

Saisuresh Sivaswamy, a godman from India, said he was busy with other earthly matters concerning life and death, and that he would e-mail his response at a later date.

The Art of Living Foundation spokeswoman Neema Kamdar said it was a major victory for Foundation founder Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, all his followers and the living universe.

Pakistan President flees to Chile

Pakistan President General Pervez Musharraf has fled his country and has sought asylum in Chile.

The desperate action came after Prime Minister Zafarullah Khan Jamali resigned.

United States President George W Bush has announced that American troops have landed at Karachi airport and would take control of the situation shortly, to prevent rioting and bloodshed.

Pakistan’s neighbor India said it would not intervene, but would not mind sending its troops to patrol the country, if asked to by the US.

In Chile, Musharraf said he had fled ‘my beloved country’ after a man flashed a Swiss knife at him, at a public meeting. ‘I feared for my life,’ he admitted.

On why he chose Chile, Musharraf laughed and said, ‘Everybody has the impression that it is hot in Chile, as they associate the country’s name with pungent chillies. In fact, it’s a cool place. It’s quite chilly here.’

The general said he had no intention stage a military coup in Chile.

Initial reports on www.drudgereport.com had stated that Musharraf had staged a coup in Chile.

In Washington, Bush said he would fly down to Chile to convince Musharraf to return to Pakistan, as the country needed him very badly.

Meanwhile, unconfirmed reports coming in said former Indian prime minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee would be approached to be Pakistan’s new president-cum-prime minister.

Excite.com to launch 2 GB female

www.excite.com has announced plans for the delivery of a 2 GB female.
This comes close on the heels of Internet giants announcing boosts in email storage.
Gmail started off with a beta launch of 1 GB email storage, for free. Then came yahoo.com with 100 MB, for free. rediff.com followed with 1 GB, again for free. Then, hotmail.com…
Not to be left behind in the race, and to come up with something more exciting, excite.com said its 2 GB female would be unbeatable.
She has taken about nine months in the making and is due for delivery anytime now, Mr Bill, who manages the gates of a private hospital in California, said.
Doctors refused to announce the 2 GB female’s ‘mother,’ but one nurse at the hospital said the female would be really hot and strong, with a capability to fight all diseases and spam.
The female will deliver males at lightning speed, to any place in the world, excite.com announced.
A friend of the mother who will deliver the female baby, who has seen an X-ray image of the fetus in the womb, predicted that anyone would get excited on seeing the female. She will be the sexiest woman on earth, the friend said.
Feminists all over the world have welcomed the announcement.

Queen, Blair, Beckham quit over Euro2004 defeat

The Queen, Prime Minister Tony Blair and team captain quit their posts over England’s shocking defeat by Portugal in the Euro2004.
‘How can I be the Queen of a nation that no longer rules the world,’ asked an obviously embarrassed Queen.
Blair said he could not bear to hear the news of the defeat after successive war victories in the Falklands and Iraq.
David Beckham said the English were good losers. He said he would hang up his boot s and spend more time with his family, especially his wife Posh.
It was not clear who will take their places.
The entire nation was in a state of shock after the 5-6 defeat in the penalty shootout.
A British football fan in Portugal said she would give up her British citizenship and would apply for asylum in Portugal.
As a mark of solidarity, the British press has decided to blackout further coverage of the Euro2004 football feast in Portugal.
United States President George W Bush offered his heartfelt sympathies to England following their defeat. He said he would use his good offices and convince the European Union Parliament to ensure that England were included back in the tournament.
If the request was turned down, he said, the US would along with the British quit the European Union.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Scientist develops rat to kill all cats

Indian scientist P Rajendran has developed a new species of pink rats that will be capable of killing cats.
Rajendran, who is based in New York City, said it was payback time to the cats, which he has detested since childhood. ‘One of these feline creatures scratched me when I was a kid. I pledged revenge at that very moment,’ he said.
The new breed of rats will have 18 lives.
Rajendran said he had developed the super breed after feeding a female rat a concoction of rum and cola over four years. With that, the rats will always be in the pink of health, he said.
Rajendran’s boss at his laboratory, Prem Panicker, said he was proud of him and would recommend his name for the next Nobel Prize for Science.
Panicker said that they would now try out the rum and cola combination on human beings, to see if they have 18 lives and always be in the pink of health.
Anita Bora, a lover of cats, and a former employee of the laboratory, said she was shocked by the development. ‘How could he do this? I will consult my scientist friends, who will develop a breed of cats which will have 36 lives.’
Haysi Pande-Daniel, a lover of all living creatures, has called for a truce from her holiday hideout somewhere in India. ‘We must not get into a rat race,’ she said.
Suparn Verma, a scriptwriter for many hit Hindi films, said he would launch a film ‘Rats’ to take on the Broadway musical ‘Cats’ next year.

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