Dantospoof

Bush spoof

2006-04-30T15:24:00.000-07:00

This is a must see video on United States President George W Bush, from GeoTV.

Blast City rocked by 5 billion blasts

2005-11-16T10:32:00.000-08:00

Blast City, about 2,000 miles north of Last City, the capital of Lost City, in the Disunited States, was rocked by nearly five billion blasts late last night.

The impact of the blasts was so great, said an eyewitness, that there were absolutely no remains of bodies or debris anywhere in the entire city.

The eyewitness said it was impossible to disclose the exact number of blasts but admitted that it could be about five billion.

The eyewitness later succumbed to injuries in the city’s main hospital which later shut down due to non-availability of medical and non-medical staff.

A badly injured Blast City Mayor Mastar Blastar told a press conference that was not attended by any media representative that the city was having a blast when the blasts occurred one after the other, with a 59 second time gap.

Blastar died of shock a little later, sources who did not wish to be identified, stated.

Police officials in the blasted city were all believed dead and were thus not available for comment.

Rescue services from neighboring towns, cities, districts and nations have been requisitioned. The United Nations has also been approached for assistance.

A spokesperson for Secretary General Kofi Annan said the request would be discussed threadbare at a General Assembly meeting in a week and would be granted only after approval of all participants of the meeting.

World leaders, including United States President George W Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair have blasted those responsible for the blasts. We will request Israel to launch precision missile attacks against those responsible, no matter which part of the world they were in, they asserted in a very strongly worded statement released exclusively to CNN and BBC.

Bush has offered to personally adopt the blast stricken city. He also named it a sister city of New York City.

All major television stations have decided to black out coverage of the blasts as it would give undue publicity to terrorists they stated.

CNN and BBC, however, decided to run blank screens for 24 hours as a mark of respect for the victims.

Guinness Book of World Records officials are investigating the authenticity of the reports of the blasts for inclusion in the 2006 edition of the best-selling book.

Israel wipes out Iran

2005-11-16T10:30:00.000-08:00

A day after the Iranian President said Israel must be wiped out, the Jewish nation struck back and wiped out the Islamic country in a dramatic move that will surely have international ramifications.

Initial reports said Israel had fired 10 long range missiles at the country and totally destroyed it. Sources in Mossad had said the country was reduced to rubble after the attack, which was hard-hitting.

The sources said there was no chance of there being any survivor after the missile attack.

However, the White House said it was checking out the reports before President George W Bush could issue any condemnation or praise.

British intelligence sources had a totally different story to tell on the so-called attack. The sources said there was no such missile attack.

Instead, they said, the Israelis held a secret high level meeting where the word Iran was written in chalk on a huge blackboard. An Israeli troop then took a duster and wiped out the word from the blackboard and then proudly announced that Iran had been wiped out.

The sources said the initial reports were completely false and deliberate, and were meant to provoke the Islamic world to launch an attack against a peaceful Israel.

The British sources said the act of ‘wiping out’ Iran from the blackboard was symbolic and peaceful but was meant to show Iran that Israel meant serious business and would not tolerate any nonsense.

The Palestine authorities said they too would react only after confirming the reports. If the initial report was true, they said, they would wipe out Israel from a white board, at a secret ceremony at a secret location that will later be telecast on Al Jazeera worldwide.

Al Jazeera said its reporters were confirming all reports and would not telecast any rumours that could provoke further violence in the volatile region.

All news agencies, including Associated Press and Reuters also said they were confirming the reports of Iran being wiped out.

Ebay said it was trying to secure the historic duster the trooper used from the Israeli authorities, for auction on its site, if the report was true.

Google engineers said their search engines were yet to detect any reports on any attack by Israel on Iran.

Microsoft to start international newspaper

2005-11-16T10:26:00.000-08:00

Microsoft is planning to start a multilingual international newspaper.

The software giant chief, Bill Gates, told The Spoof, the newspaper would be available only on personal computers across the world, ready for print, from November 1.

The deadlines for each time zone have been worked out by Microsoft engineers, so that people in any part of the world with Internet access would get the latest news.

The newspaper, to be called Microsoft Times, Microsoft Post or Microsoft Samachar, will be free and will generate revenue through advertisements.

Ten percent of revenue generated through the advertisements will go towards AIDS research, Gates said.

Asked why he chose The Spoof to make such a major announcement, he said that if Google could choose April 1, April Fool’s Day, to launch Gmail, this was a smarter, strategic move that will take Microsoft to the number one spot on Forbes Top 100 annual list.

Among the frontrunners for editorship is said to be Vinay Kamat, a senior editor with the new and hot Mumbai based daily newspaper, DNA (Daily News & Analysis).

Kamat declined to comment, but associates said it was in his DNA to become the editor of the newspaper.

Gates will be its chief patron editor-in-chief and will oversee its day-to-day operations, besides ensuring the right mix of stories for the front page.

Top editors of The New York Times, Washington Post and Seattle Times are said to have declined the billion dollar job, taking the news to be a spoof.

The newspaper will be available in 200 languages, through software designed by Microsoft techies. The newspaper will be produced in English and then translated within seconds.

A Google spokesman said they were negotiating with Microsoft an option of offering a free search in the A4 sized, 100-page newspaper. A source said they would hit back soon and would not take Microsoft latest move lying down.

Yahoo said it would not offer any Microsoft related sites to throw up on its search if the newspaper is launched.

Top media analyst, Ayaz Memon, said Microsoft’s newspaper would be revolutionary, but the wicket could turn at any time. He said he would write an exclusive, daily column on cricket for the newspaper.

Bush appoints Kerry Vice President

2005-11-16T10:24:00.000-08:00

United States President George W Bush today appointed Senator John Kerry Vice President.

The appointment came shortly after Vice President Dick Cheney was admitted to hospital due to breathlessness.Bush's action is being seen as media analysts as heartwarming after Bush defeated Kerry in the recent President election by a narrow margin.

The election had nearly divided the United States of America.

Kerry, in an exclusive but very brief chat with The Spoof over the telephone, admitted that he had been invited by Bush to be Vice President and he had graciously accepted the offer.

Kerry is likely assume office 'shortly' according the top White House sources.

With Kerry's appointment, the United States of America will demolish all global misconceptions that it is a divided nation.

As a payback, Kerry is expected to toe the Bush line.

Cheney was not available for comment. His family said they were not authorized to comment.

Doctors were unwilling to comment on his illness, except state that he was admitted following breathlessness.

Cheney has had a history of heart attacks.

Bush had met British Prime Minister Tony Blair recently and had apparently discussed this possibility with him.

Blair is said to have immediately agreed to Bush's plan to appoint Kerry as Vice President.Other world leaders have also welcomed Kerry's appointment as Vice President.

The Presidents of France, Germany, Italy, South Africa, China, India, Sri Lanka and Fiji were among a long list.

One of Bush’s strongest critics, filmmaker Michael Moore, also welcomed Kerry’s appointment.

He told The Spoof, that with Kerry’s appointment, he would give up plans to make a sequel to his Fahrenheit 9/11.In a breaking news development, Al Jazeera reported that Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden had also welcomed Kerry’s appointment as Vice President of the United States of America.

He told the television channel that he would now pledge to give up violence and assured the US that he would not launch any attack on it.

Sources close to former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein said he would be freed shortly after Kerry assumed office as an act of goodwill. Hussein is likely to be returned charge of his country, but under strict US supervision.Kerry has pledged him billions of dollars in aid if he behaved himself, the sources added.

Bush arrested

2004-12-03T05:23:00.000-08:00

Canada charges United States President with war crimes
(from a fake CNN site)

The Onion 2004 Election Guide

2004-10-18T13:22:00.000-07:00

Enough reading matter from The Onion to keep you busy till polling day

Bull shortage hits world economy

2004-07-07T14:18:00.000-07:00

A shortage of bulls has affected the world economy, a leading economist has stated.

Shishir Bhate, a consultant with the World Bank’s India office, stated in New Delhi, a day before the presentation of the federal Indian Budget, that most economies desperately needed more bulls.

Trading on Wall Street came to a halt for 10 minutes after his statement was released to the world media. The Wall Street Journal featured his statement prominently on Page 45, which led to stocks of major trading firms to crash by 0.11 points.

Bhate said that butchers in India slaughtered millions of bulls each day to cater to meat lovers, which he felt was unfortunate.

McDonalds immediately came out with a statement asserting that it did not use beef in any of its products. The clarification saw its stocks rise by 0.11 points on the world markets.

The stock markets had advertised for bulls, but the animals seem to have missed the advertisement in international dailies.

‘The advertisement failed to hit the bulls eye,’ an advertising executive with Lowe Advertising stated.

Bhate said Spain was also drawing many bulls for its famous bullfights. Spain has stubbornly refused to divert its bulls to the stock markets, for a bull run.

Nandita Malik, an economist with the rival India Bank World Office retorted, ‘Talk of a bull shortage affecting the world economy is all bull. We have to grin and bear with it.’

Aslam Hunani, a Dubai-based dealer in top international stocks, however, claimed that the world economy was not witnessing a bull run simply because the bulls were tired.

Cruise liner sinks in Sahara desert

2004-07-07T14:16:00.000-07:00

The world’s largest passenger cruise liner QE VIII sank in the Sahara desert, possibly killing all its 20,000 crew and 50 passengers.

The freak mishap occurred soon after the liner took a diversion, on advice from a lighthouse, following a severe storm in a passenger’s teacup.

Unfortunately, the cruiser encountered sinking sand in the desert.

Unconfirmed reports stated that the cruise captain deserted the ship, like a rat, minutes before it sank into the hot sand.

But the captain’s mistress, in a highly emotional statement from Dubai, said she was dead sure that her lover was among the victims.

Emergency rescue teams have been flown to the site to try and ensure the crew is safely evacuated.

Ecological experts have labeled the disaster ‘monstrous.’ The mishap will create a huge crater in the desert, an expert said. ‘The accident will leave a void which cannot be replaced.’

Private investigators believe that some prisoners from a nearby jail could have been digging a huge underground escape tunnel, which led to the unfortunate incident.

Most passengers are believed to be filthy rich Arabs who had just eaten their meals and were on to the deserts.

The media in the Gulf has blacked out news of the tragedy.

Sex guru invents Xes therapy

2004-07-07T14:15:00.000-07:00

World famous sex guru Dhiraj Shetty has invented Xes, which he claims will solve all sex-related problems.

Contacted in India’s software capital Bangalore, all that the hardcore sex specialist said, when asked about his latest invention, was, ‘Bang, bang!!!’

Sources close to Shetty’s aides said Xes would make life problem-free and more enjoyable. They refused to reveal what exactly Xes was. They only said that their guru had contacted the United Nations International Child Education Fund for Xes to be introduced in the curriculum of schools worldwide.

They said they too would set up at least one million specialized schools which will teach the techniques of nothing but Xes.

‘Xes is for the masses. It should be learned by children from the school level. After following it, you will forget all about sex,’ a press statement from the guru’s office said.

Rival sex guru Salil Kumar said from Madras in south India, ‘It is nothing but sex, read backwards. Shetty is a conman who gets high on grass. Please do not believe in him. His therapy will lead to frustration and disappointment.’

Kid demolishes West Bank Wall

2004-07-07T14:14:00.001-07:00

A Palestinian boy drove his 1994 model toy car right into Israel’s controversial West Bank Wall, leading to its collapse.

Stunned Israeli soldiers looked on as Sheikh Bin Mohammad Al-Fakir, 7, played with his car, near the border. Witnesses said the kid lost control of the car after its brakes failed.

Israel had begun construction of the controversial wall in 2002 to keep away Palestinian suicide bombers. But the Palestinians consider it a means to annex their territory.

An Israeli Defense Ministry spokesman said the child’s act was deliberate and aimed at destabilizing relations between Israel and Palestine.

The spokesman said the child had been identified and would be targeted for a missile attack shortly.

Truckloads of cement and bricks were seen rushing towards the scene shortly after the incident. Work on reconstruction of the wall will begin shortly, according to sources.

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has summoned an emergency cabinet meeting to discuss the course of action.

Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat has congratulated Al-Fakir for his ‘bold and decisive act’ and called on fellow Palestinians to follow his example.

Al-Fakir escaped with minor injuries on his little thumb.

In Washington, United States President George W Bush said he would personally finance reconstruction of the wall.

A Toys R Us spokesman in New York confirmed the car was purchased from its Manhattan store many years back.

Dennis to stop being a menace, may marry

2004-07-07T14:14:00.000-07:00

Dennis the Menace, created by cartoonist Hank Ketcham, will no longer be the most enduringly irresistible imp in the world.

Dennis the Menace first began to plague his next-door neighbor Mr Wilson in 1950 on the pages of America's newspapers. Today, the comic appears in more than 1,000 newspapers in 48 countries and in 19 languages.

Dennis told reporters in Haiti, where he shifted recently due to ‘political compulsion,’ that he had to get away from all the sex and violence that was so rampant in the United States of America and had thus moved to one of the most peaceful countries.

He said he would stop being a menace, despite still having Mr Wilson as his neighbor in Haiti.

Mr Wilson welcomed the development and has decided to host a tea party at his home as a goodwill gesture.

Dennis, he said, was welcome to enter his home at anytime of the day or night, and do whatever he wanted.

Dennis said his change of heart came after he saw the Mel Gibson movie The Passion of the Christ.

Family sources said Dennis was contemplating marrying his longtime girlfriend Margaret Wade.

Bush critics to migrate to Mars

2004-07-07T14:12:00.000-07:00

Anti-United States President George W Bush Foundation members have, at a secret meeting, unanimously decided to migrate to Mars.

The members, in a resolution adopted 10 billion to zero, said they could no longer tolerate Bush’s presidency and decided that there was no place on Earth to avoid him. They thus opted for Mars.

They have approached the National Aeronautics and Space Administration to organize space missions to Mars, as quickly as possible. They want one mission to take off everyday.

Each member will pay for his own one-way ticket to Mars.

Going by various opinion polls conducted in the United States over the last few months, the foundation members felt there was no way anyone could defeat Bush.

Bush, they said, staged a global public relations coup, with the handing over of power to the people of Iraq two days before schedule.

However, Bush, in a one-minute address to the nation telecast on Iraq Television, told Americans he was not one to take defeat lying down. ‘I will not give up. They have high hopes if they think they are safe from me on Mars,’ he asserted.

Bush aides said technically Bush has control over Mars too. ‘We can stop water supply on Mars. Let’s see how his critics live,’ an aide laughed.

Independent observers said the foundation’s plan effectively meant that there would be no opposition to Bush on Earth.

Meanwhile, residents of Mars have welcomed the foundation members to their planet.

Euro 2004 abandoned

2004-06-30T09:09:00.001-07:00

Euro 2004 has been abandoned on the eve of the semi-finals in Portugal.

England, Spain, Germany and France have exerted pressure on the European Championship 2004 Organizing Committee after they all failed to enter the semi-finals.

The quartet said the tournament was no longer world class with unknown football playing countries in the semi-final lineup.

Portugal play Holland and Greece play the Czech Republic in the semi-finals.

England has stated that it had to be declared winner of the championship.

Top football stars, including David Beckham of England stand to lose millions of dollars as their countries have not made it to the Euro 2004 finals.

Sky Sports said it would not telecast any further games, if the tournament went ahead. A spokesman said they were not ready for poor viewer rating.

The French have said they lost as French fries were not available at any restaurant in Portugal. ‘That affected our players’ stamina,’ a dejected supporter said from Paris over the videophone.

Beckham blamed his team’s loss on Rebecca Loos, his ‘alternative wife’ in Spain, where he plays for Real Madrid. ‘I suddenly thought of Loos at the penalty shootout against France, and my shot landed in Spain,’ Beckham joked.

The Spanish team said it was a washout as the rain in Portugal did not stay mainly in the plains.

Hollywood takes over Bollywood

2004-06-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

Hollywood, the United States’ multi-billion dollar movie industry has taken over India’s Hindi cinema industry, popularly known as Bollywood.

The new industry will now be known as Bhollywood.

Both industries hope to gain from the multi-trillion dollar takeover as far as finance and talent are concerned.

Hollywood bigwigs are said to have long envied many Indian film stars for their acting skills and large fan following. Bollywood icon Amitabh Bachchan's fan following is said to be 10 times more than that of any Hollywood star's worldwide fan following.

With the takeover, there will be a sharing of talent from both sides. Hollywood’s stars, directors, producers, camera men and others will teach the Indian stars more about sex scenes and gore, while Bollywood’s stars and their secretaries, directors, producers and others will teach their US counterparts about ‘song and dance’ skills.

Bachchan, the Big B of Indian cinema, and George W Bush, the Big B of the United States of America, signed the takeover deal in Washington DC.

The entire signing ceremony, which has been videotaped, will be released as a movie on the big screen in theaters in the US and India. It will be called The Signs.

The deal implies that it will be easier for Hollywood stars to act in Hindi films and Bollywood stars to act in Hollywood films.

Joint productions are expected shortly. In fact, the first Hollywood-Bollywood production Gangs of Mumbai, starring Hollywood's Leonardo DiCaprio and India's Aishwarya Rai, is expected in a few months. Mumbai is India's film capital.

Bollywood’s stars were the first to react to news about the takeover.

Rai, a former beauty queen, and now one of India’s top actresses, said she was glad that finally she would be able to earn her living in dollars.

Rani Mukherjee said she would change her name to Queen Mukherjee. ‘Rani’ is the Hindi term for Queen. Similarly, Shah Rukh Khan will change his name to Lord Rukh Khan.

Abhishek Bachchan, the star son of Amitabh Bachchan, is said to be in Washington too, busy signing deals for movie roles in Hollywood blockbusters planned for next year.

'The Hindi cinema industry is in the dumps, with an increasing number of flops. The takeover is welcome,' the Junior Bachchan said.

Hollywood stars Tom Hanks, Mel Gibson and others are in Mumbai to sign deals with Hindi film producers and directors.

With the takeover, the signing of deals has been simplified. All the stars will have to do is put their thumb impression on the papers, as many Indians sign important documents in remote villages.

A top film scriptwriter in Mumbai heaved a sigh of relief on hearing the news of the takeover. 'At least now I will not have to lift scripts and story ideas from Hollywood flicks,' he said.

US plans to invade India

2004-06-30T09:08:00.000-07:00

United States President George W Bush, at a late night meeting with top aides at the White House, has approved of a plan to invade India.

The President told his aides that with the handing over of power in Iraq, US troops would shortly be without any action, and the best option was to invade India.

His aides agreed with him immediately and got about working out strategy.

Colin Powell, who has visited India many times on peace-making missions, will take over as US Administrator, it has been agreed.

CIA spies and FBI agents in India are said to have reported back to the US administration that the time was right for an invasion. The official reason to be given would be India’s latest peace efforts with Pakistan, which would be detrimental to India-US relations.

The President is said to be upset with the recent anti-America statements of the new Congress Party-led government. Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh in a recent nationally telecast address to the nation said, ‘If it is a choice between them and us, I will choose them.’

Political pundits were perplexed over the meaning of the terms ‘them’ and ‘us’ but Bush’s aides stated that it clearly implied the Indian government was not supporting ‘us’, the US.

A platoon of US troops is slated to walk into Parliament when the House is in session shortly, and take control of the country.

A Bush aide said the troops would stay put in Parliament till the situation there improved, in an obvious reference to repeated unruly scenes in the House.

Death dies in remote Indian village

2004-06-30T09:07:00.000-07:00

Death died an untimely death at a remote village in India.

Death was aged more than 50 billion years old and was living a reclusive life in the village, which the Indian authorities have refused to identify for national security reasons as they feared a deadly backlash from purists.

Psychoanalysts said with Death’s death the whole world would live forever.

God and Satan have deeply mourned the ‘unfortunate death’ of Death. In a first of its kind joint press release they said the death would affect residency at Heaven and Hell.

Both said they would work out a joint project that ensures people die so that they can go to either Heaven or Hell.

They have approached the multinational Glaxo to work out a drug to kill people when the time comes for their souls to depart from Earth.

The two said if all their efforts fail, as a last resort, they would shift operations to Mars.

The Pope has welcomed the long-awaited death of Death.

He waved his hand and offered a smile when asked for his reaction.

Saisuresh Sivaswamy, a godman from India, said he was busy with other earthly matters concerning life and death, and that he would e-mail his response at a later date.

The Art of Living Foundation spokeswoman Neema Kamdar said it was a major victory for Foundation founder Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, all his followers and the living universe.

Pakistan President flees to Chile

2004-06-30T09:06:00.000-07:00

Pakistan President General Pervez Musharraf has fled his country and has sought asylum in Chile.

The desperate action came after Prime Minister Zafarullah Khan Jamali resigned.

United States President George W Bush has announced that American troops have landed at Karachi airport and would take control of the situation shortly, to prevent rioting and bloodshed.

Pakistan’s neighbor India said it would not intervene, but would not mind sending its troops to patrol the country, if asked to by the US.

In Chile, Musharraf said he had fled ‘my beloved country’ after a man flashed a Swiss knife at him, at a public meeting. ‘I feared for my life,’ he admitted.

On why he chose Chile, Musharraf laughed and said, ‘Everybody has the impression that it is hot in Chile, as they associate the country’s name with pungent chillies. In fact, it’s a cool place. It’s quite chilly here.’

The general said he had no intention stage a military coup in Chile.

Initial reports on www.drudgereport.com had stated that Musharraf had staged a coup in Chile.

In Washington, Bush said he would fly down to Chile to convince Musharraf to return to Pakistan, as the country needed him very badly.

Meanwhile, unconfirmed reports coming in said former Indian prime minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee would be approached to be Pakistan’s new president-cum-prime minister.

Excite.com to launch 2 GB female

2004-06-30T09:05:00.000-07:00

www.excite.com has announced plans for the delivery of a 2 GB female.
This comes close on the heels of Internet giants announcing boosts in email storage.
Gmail started off with a beta launch of 1 GB email storage, for free. Then came yahoo.com with 100 MB, for free. rediff.com followed with 1 GB, again for free. Then, hotmail.com…
Not to be left behind in the race, and to come up with something more exciting, excite.com said its 2 GB female would be unbeatable.
She has taken about nine months in the making and is due for delivery anytime now, Mr Bill, who manages the gates of a private hospital in California, said.
Doctors refused to announce the 2 GB female’s ‘mother,’ but one nurse at the hospital said the female would be really hot and strong, with a capability to fight all diseases and spam.
The female will deliver males at lightning speed, to any place in the world, excite.com announced.
A friend of the mother who will deliver the female baby, who has seen an X-ray image of the fetus in the womb, predicted that anyone would get excited on seeing the female. She will be the sexiest woman on earth, the friend said.
Feminists all over the world have welcomed the announcement.

Queen, Blair, Beckham quit over Euro2004 defeat

2004-06-30T09:03:00.000-07:00

The Queen, Prime Minister Tony Blair and team captain quit their posts over England’s shocking defeat by Portugal in the Euro2004.
‘How can I be the Queen of a nation that no longer rules the world,’ asked an obviously embarrassed Queen.
Blair said he could not bear to hear the news of the defeat after successive war victories in the Falklands and Iraq.
David Beckham said the English were good losers. He said he would hang up his boot s and spend more time with his family, especially his wife Posh.
It was not clear who will take their places.
The entire nation was in a state of shock after the 5-6 defeat in the penalty shootout.
A British football fan in Portugal said she would give up her British citizenship and would apply for asylum in Portugal.
As a mark of solidarity, the British press has decided to blackout further coverage of the Euro2004 football feast in Portugal.
United States President George W Bush offered his heartfelt sympathies to England following their defeat. He said he would use his good offices and convince the European Union Parliament to ensure that England were included back in the tournament.
If the request was turned down, he said, the US would along with the British quit the European Union.

Scientist develops rat to kill all cats

2004-06-24T16:09:00.000-07:00

Indian scientist P Rajendran has developed a new species of pink rats that will be capable of killing cats.
Rajendran, who is based in New York City, said it was payback time to the cats, which he has detested since childhood. ‘One of these feline creatures scratched me when I was a kid. I pledged revenge at that very moment,’ he said.
The new breed of rats will have 18 lives.
Rajendran said he had developed the super breed after feeding a female rat a concoction of rum and cola over four years. With that, the rats will always be in the pink of health, he said.
Rajendran’s boss at his laboratory, Prem Panicker, said he was proud of him and would recommend his name for the next Nobel Prize for Science.
Panicker said that they would now try out the rum and cola combination on human beings, to see if they have 18 lives and always be in the pink of health.
Anita Bora, a lover of cats, and a former employee of the laboratory, said she was shocked by the development. ‘How could he do this? I will consult my scientist friends, who will develop a breed of cats which will have 36 lives.’
Haysi Pande-Daniel, a lover of all living creatures, has called for a truce from her holiday hideout somewhere in India. ‘We must not get into a rat race,’ she said.
Suparn Verma, a scriptwriter for many hit Hindi films, said he would launch a film ‘Rats’ to take on the Broadway musical ‘Cats’ next year.

God sacks Pope

2004-06-23T14:09:00.001-07:00

God has sacked Pope John Paul II. The dismissal came soon after a 10-minute telephone conversation the two had.
Sources said God was very unhappy with the way the Pole was handling the world’s problems. ‘You don’t seem to have worked out a peaceful solution to any of the world’s problems,’ God told the Pope.
‘What is your use in that chair?’ he went on to ask the leader of the Catholic Church in Vatican.
‘I you are unwell, please quit immediately,’ the Pope was told.
Sources said that God was livid after he read recent press reports that Catholic priests were involved in sex scandals.
FedEx sources said newspapers for the last few years were delivered to Heaven only recently.
God was said to have been all the more upset when the Pope replied to him in Polish, which he could not understand.
It is not clear what the Pope whispered to God over the telephone.
Time magazine’s Man of the Century was said to have spent a sleepless night after the call, sources in the Vatican said.
A decision on a new Pope, God said, will be taken in a week. Alexander Pope is said to be the frontrunner.

Al Qaeda beheads Bush

2004-06-23T14:09:00.000-07:00

The Al Qaeda has claimed that it has beheaded United States President George W Bush.
The Al Jazeera television network said it had a video of the beheading but refused to air it.
A worldwide hunt is underway for the killers and the President’s body.
Unconfirmed reports said a headless body had been found in a rice field near the Pakistan-Afghanistan border.
The Federal Bureau of Investigation and Central Intelligence Agency said they were yet to confirm the identity of the body.
The terrorist organization said the US President was beheaded in retaliation against the killing and torture of hundreds of Iraqi citizens and the illegal occupation of Iraq.
The President had repeatedly vowed to break the back of the terrorist organization, which he blamed for 9/11 and subsequent attacks in various parts of the world, aimed at countries involved in the global war against terrorism.
World leaders, including French President Jacques Chirac, have condemned the killing.
‘I have lost a very close and personal friend,’ he told French television.
Former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein, who is being held by the US authorities at an undisclosed location, told Al Jazeera that he would stake claim to return to Iraq and would also contest the coming American presidential election.
He said the Americans would elect him with an overwhelming majority. ‘I love you, America! Long live America,’ he said.
Vice President Dick Cheney has assumed all the responsibilities of the President and a state of emergency has been declared in the US.
Meanwhile, news was coming in that a senior Al Qaeda leader had trimmed many overgrown bushes in his frontyard, at a secret location.

Indian actress bills Clinton for sex

2004-06-23T14:08:00.000-07:00

An Indian actress has claimed that former United States President Bill Clinton had sex with her and has not yet paid the bill.
The Bollywood (the Indian equivalent of Hollywood) star, who refused to be identified, said she would send across her bill and all documents to the United States Supreme Court after she filed a formal complaint at an American police station, for sexual exploitation and unpaid bills.
The proof, she said, included flight tickets, hotel bookings and steamy photographs.
The star said that Clinton had sex with her during his India visit March 2000.
On why she had held back her claim for nearly four years, she said that she did not want to tarnish the former President’s image.
‘He was such a sweetheart in bed. But, that #$@!^ has not paid me! He’d better pay me, with 20 percent interest,’ she said.
The actress said she was very upset that she was not mentioned in his just-released memoirs, My Life.
‘The least he could have done, was mention that he had sex with me,’ she said.
If Clinton refuses to pay the bill, and the court refuses to settle the case in her favor, she said she would release the steamy photographs to the web site www.memoryhole.org
The actress has played major roles in many Hindi movies in the late 1990s. For many years, no good, paying role has come her way, she said, admitting that she was in desperate need of money to maintain her lifestyle.

Google to shut down Gmail

2004-06-22T10:19:00.000-07:00

Google confirmed that it will shut down its beta Gmail email service in July.
In emails sent out to its high-end users, it stated that it could not keep up with the number of subscriptions and advised them to avoid using the entire 1 GB it was offering as storage space.
In a related and shocking development, which is being seen as a slap in the face for Google, an Indian based portal is offering 1 GB email storage space for free.
www.rediff.com is now technically the first to offer 1 GB email storage space, as Gmail is still under testing.
Gmail said that due to a bug, invites were being sent out, though the servers could not cope with the traffic.
Yahoo, which also upgraded it service to offer 100 MB has been hit twice by server problems.
Google said it would quit the email business and would search for fresh options to invest the millions of dollars it has.
A source said that many of the invites Gmail had sent out to its subscribers were lying by the waysides of cyberspace and street corners.
One Gmail user confirmed, 'I saw invites, which could easily total up to 1 GB, lying around, unused.'
Some Gmail users said they had already started moving important mail to other email accounts.
Others said they were using Google to search for other free email options.

Sachin Tendulkar to captain Pakistan team

2004-06-17T13:47:00.000-07:00

Cricket superstar Sachin Tendulkar announced in Mumbai (India) that he would captain the Pakistan team.
The shocking announcement came soon after former England Test player Bob Woolmer was named coach of the Pakistan national team following the sacking of Javed Miandad by the Pakistan Cricket Board.
It was Woolmer who convinced Tendulkar to switch sides, it is learned.
Tendulkar told close friend and cricket columnist Clayton Murzello that he would shift to Pakistan next month. ‘This is too much. I have repeated been ignored by the national selectors. They have not appointed me captain for many years. Why should I tolerate this humiliation?’ he told Murzello in an exclusive interview, excerpts of which were made available to thespoof.com.
Tendulkar said he expected to be at least appointed Sports Minister in the new government headed by Dr Manmohan Singh. ‘I voted Congress. And now they have left me in the lurch,’ he said.
He said Pakistan President General Pervez Musharraf had telephoned him and welcomed his decision.
With this, Pakistan hopes to hit back at India. Both nations have fought wars and are at present involved in a cold war.

Illiteracy for all by 2007, says UN

2004-06-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

The United Nations has announced a revolutionary plan that will turn the entire world into illiterates by 2007.
United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan announced that the world body had realized after much research that literacy was bad for all-round development and peace.
‘Highly literate people are fighting wars with each other. They refuse to speak to each other, to work out a peaceful solution to any problem. That is why literacy will be wiped out,’ he said.
He admitted that literacy was evil. ‘Look at the bad influence books have on people. All problems will be solved if people cannot read and write,’ he said confidently.
All books will be dumped in oceans or burned at street corners on World Illiteracy Day, the date of which will be announced shortly.
All schools will be shut down, he said. Most world governments immediately welcomed the move and said thousands of millions of dollars would be saved, which could be used for development.
Many top scholars and writers, who all refused to be identified, welcomed the move.

WWF plans newspaper for animals

2004-06-17T13:45:00.000-07:00

The World Wildlife Fund has announced plans for a special newspaper for animals.
The free newspaper will take about a year to launch but dry runs are on.
There will be special editions dogs, cats, horses, cows and even pandas.
To be published by Rupert Murdoch, it will have animal-related advertisements.
Simba, who starred in the Lion King movie series, is likely to be named the newspaper’s editor.
At a press conference deep inside an African jungle, Murdoch expressed confidence that the newspaper would be widely read. ‘We think animals are dumb creatures. They are not. They too want to read the news,’ the media baron stated.
‘As a bonus, Page 3 will feature a nude female animal everyday,’ Murdoch added.
The newspaper will use environment friendly newsprint, which can be easily digested by the animals after reading it.

Tower of Pisa to stop leaning

2004-06-17T13:44:00.000-07:00

The Leaning Tower of Pisa has decided to stop leaning.
A spokesperson for the tower said the Torre Pendente Di Pisa was tired of leaning all these years and had decided to straighten up.
The authorities plan to invite world leaders to a special function, when the tower will officially stop leaning.
Among the world leaders expected for the function are George W Bush (US) and Tony Blair (UK).
A special invitee is Sonia Gandhi of the Congress Party that won the recent election in India. Sonia has Italian origins.
Architect Tomasso di Andrea da Pontedera had realized that the Leaning Tower could not be straightened. In 1178, the lean became obvious, when the tower had reached a height of 10.6 meters.
The Tower of Pisa was built to show the rest of the world the wealth of the city of Pisa.

Ford to gift 1 million invisible cars

2004-06-17T13:42:00.000-07:00

Ford Motors plans to manufacture 1 million invisible cars by early next year. The limited edition vehicles will be given away on a priority basis to morons, illiterate people, gangsters, scamsters and corrupt politicians.
Others wanting to own one of the prized vehicles will have to visit a web site it has specially created and dedicated to this modern day marvel.
The web site has half a question, which has to be answered everyday, till the day of the car’s official launch. The half question will remain unchanged but to qualify to win the prize, one has to visit the site everyday, again till the car’s official launch.
The cars will be visible only to its owners.
No other details were available on the till now top secret project, which is bound to shakeup the car industry.
Rival car manufacturers refused to comment.
Secretaries to five CEOs of top car makers said their bosses were out on the road, driving, and could not take calls.
To coincide with the invisible car, Shell officially announced an invisible gas, on which the cars will run.
The web site to be visited daily is: The Ford Invisible Car

1,000 Gmail accounts for free!

2004-06-14T10:36:00.000-07:00

Gmail account holder Anthony D'Costa announced that he was gifting away 1,000 Gmail accounts for free.
To win a free account, all that one has to do is read this report totally, D'Costa announced.
Within seconds of you finishing, an invitation will be sent to your e-mail account automatically, he said.
Gmail has gifted invites to D'Costa as he is an active blogger (weblog) on its www.blogger.com.
D'Costa, who is popularly known as Danto, said that he wanted to impress God and gain direct entry into Heaven with having done 1,000 good deeds before he dies.
D'Costa repeated clarified that there would be no charge on the Gmail account, but each person was entitled to only one account.
Gmail authorities lauded D'Costa's good deed and announced that he would shortly be given another 1,000 accounts to gift away.
D'Costa's colleagues revealed that he receives nearly 1,000 e-mails everyday.
(PS: I got many emails, pleading with me, for a free Gmail account)

Donald ducks questions at birthday party

2004-06-11T14:24:00.000-07:00

Donald Duck ducked reporters’ questions at a post-birthday party press conference at Disneyland.
It was a big day for the world's best-known lisping waterfowl, who turned 70.
‘This is a duck with one short fuse and an amazing (if unintelligible) command of language, and when things don't go right, he goes ballistic,’ Donald's Disney history explains. But ‘Donald Duck has a good heart and always has good intentions. Well, almost always.’
Immortalised in 128 cartoons, and on merchandise, Donald refused to reveal the secret of not looking his age. He only quipped, ‘Hiya, toots.’
On whether he planned marriage, he said, ‘Aw, phooey.’
When asked whether there was truth in reports that he had plans to retire, he said, ‘Nothin' to it.’
He refused to elaborate on any of his 70 answers to 70 questions, leaving the 70 reporters flustered.
Served at the birthday party earlier, were Peking Duck, Tea Smoked Duck, Crispy Duck and Roast Duck.

Reagan begins ‘blog’ from Heaven

2004-06-11T14:23:00.000-07:00

Former United States President Ronald Reagan, who died June 5 after suffering for long from Alzheimer’s disease, has begun ‘blogging’ from Heaven.
The former Hollywood star with a cowboy image was said to be bored and thus decided to start a weblog.
On arrival at Heaven’s gates, God himself welcomed him, as St Peter was said to be too low down the line to welcome a former US President.
With no horses, Hollywood or White House in Heaven, Reagan was hit by boredom within minutes of his arrival.
Zaki Ansari, an Indian who surfs the Internet literally 24 hours a day/night, discovered the ‘blog’ and confirmed that it was by the former President, with the internet provider’s address indicating Heaven.
‘Yeah, he confirmed that fact in a conversation (official Gmail term for email) with me,’ Ansari said.
‘Blogging’ is a craze that has hit the Internet world, with people posting their thoughts and providing links to interesting articles they notice.
One of Reagan’s posts speaks of the cool time he is having in God’s kingdom.
Another spoke of his meeting with former dictator and ‘my dearest buddy’ Idi Amin.
In yet another post, he thanked the world for their condolences and joked, ‘Hey guys, just come up here. It’s one helluva place!’
Reagan’s blog can be visited at ronaldreagan.blogspot.com

CBS News 60 Minutes program off the air

2004-06-10T10:25:00.000-07:00

60 Minutes, the CBS News magazine providing a ‘blend of hard-hitting investigative reports, interviews, feature segments and profiles of people in the news,’ has been taken off the air.
The action follows a comment by Federal Communications Commission Chairman Michael Powell that the ‘most successful broadcast in television history’ had ‘violated basic norms in broadcasting and had cheated on its viewers.’
Asked by journalists to explain the crackdown on the CBS program, Powell said it was noticed repeatedly that 60 Minutes went much beyond its stipulated 60 minutes schedule.
The revelation came after a nearly one-month investigation, when Commission members actually timed the program, along with the advertisements.
Commission sources said very often the program was 60 minutes and 2 seconds long.
A CBS News spokesman denied the program was off the air. ‘It will be back in 60 minutes,’ he insisted.
60 Minutes was created in 1968 by Don Hewitt.
The FCC has meanwhile reached a nearly $2 million settlement with Clear Channel Communications to resolve a number of indecency complaints that include shock jock Howard Stern.

All-white, all-black newspapers soon

2004-06-10T10:23:00.000-07:00

Media tycoons in the United Kingdom and South Africa have planned an all-white newspaper and all-black newspaper respectively.
Though the tycoons' names have not been released, details of the top secret newspaper projects have started filtering out.
First to be launched will be the all-white newspaper. The newspaper will be printed on white paper with white ink, sources said.
The tabloid, to be published from London, will be circulated around the world, only to Whites.
It will have an all-White staff: from publisher, down to editor, sub-editors and office staff, including distributors.
The newspaper boys who will deliver the tabloid will also be only White.
Subscribers will informed over the telephone on how they can read the newspaper.
Sources close to the project allayed potential readers’ fears about how they would be able to read a newspaper with white paper and white ink, and said there was technology to handle that problem but refused to reveal details.
Not to be outdone, Blacks in South Africa have planned a similar project, except that all things white will be replaced by black.
Media mogul Rupert Murdoch while denying a role in any of the two projects, welcomed them. 'Now, at least, people will be able to read the news in black and white,' he said in a statement.
Pop star Michael Jackson, contacted at a secret location, condemned the projects as racist and said, 'It Don't Matter If You're Black Or White.'
The newspapers have tentatively been named The White News and The Black News.

The New York Times plans Iraq edition

2004-05-30T05:27:00.000-07:00

The New York Times announced it will start an edition from Iraq as early as next week.
A Times spokesman said, 'We thought it better to start an edition from where the action is, rather than report news from second-hand sources and then apologise 10 months down the line,'
The edition will come cheaper for the Times, as all reporters and sub-editors will be local recruits.
Printing staff will also be all local residents.
First preference, the spokesman said, would be given to former staff of Iraqi newspapers that were pro-Saddam Hussein.
The Times sees a tremendous potential for readership in Iraq, especially with the United States troops stationed there.
Local residents are happy with the Times' unbiased coverage of the war in Iraq and will definitely welcome the newspaper.
With a full-fledged edition, the Times hopes to get its facts right on the war in Iraq, the spokesman added.
The resident editor's post, the spokesman claimed, would be finalised in a day or two. Sources within the Times organisation said its former reporter Jayson Blair was being considered for the top post.
Iraq administrator Paul Bremmer, with his vast experience in the country, will be a special adviser to the Times project.

World loses touch of time

2004-05-30T05:26:00.000-07:00

What time is it? Sorry, nobody knows. The 'freak mishap' occurred after Swiss watchmakers went on strike. The Big Ben in London stopped working a few milliseconds later.
Another few milliseconds later, clocks and watches all over the world stopped working as a show of solidarity with the Swiss watchmakers.
A Swiss watchmaker who did not want to be identified, said his workers were making unreasonable demands like free watches for their families. He added, ‘This is no time for freebies.’
The British Broadcasting Corporation in London clarified that the Big Ben’s problem was technical and would be sorted out shortly. The world broadcaster said Big Ben was always independent and would never support any such silly strike action anywhere in the world.
Time magazine in Washington DC said it too could not tell the time. It blamed The New York Times in New York. A Time magazine spokesperson said, ‘It is the Times’ responsibility to handle matters of time. Unfortunately, these days, the Times is wasting its time carrying apologies and clarifications on its coverage and is not monitoring the movement of time.’
However, in a front page report, The New York Times said it had nothing to do with time and instead blamed The Times, London.
A telephone operator at The Times, London office, said all its reporters and staff were at 10 Downing Street and that she had no time to answer crazy queries.
The Times of India Sports Editor Ayaz Memon said all senior editors were in New Delhi running against time to work out an advertising deal with the new government in India.
The deal with the government, he explained, was 'you advertise, we don't criticise.' He then slammed the telephone, saying, 'It's deadline time!'
It is not know how much time it will take to resolve the problem.

Bush eats Rice for dinner

2004-05-30T05:25:00.000-07:00

United States President George Bush last night ate National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice for dinner.
The President, said to be upset that the food of his choice was not prepared by his wife Barbara at the White House, summoned a Chinese chef from Washington DC late at night.
The President was at work, late through the night, clearing important files on Iraq, when Barbara rang him up on the White House intercom. Bush, obviously in a foul mood over the continuing attacks on US forces in Iraq, slammed the phone, saying, ‘Not now, baby!’
Mrs Bush interpreted that as her husband not wanting dinner and went to sleep.
The starving President summoned the chef from the nearby Chow Chang Choo Restaurant, Yuan Mo Ron, and told him he wanted Mixed Fried Rice to be made especially for him for dinner.
The chef, who has five degrees in Political Science from various universities, including Columbia, interpreted that as the President wanting to eat Condoleezza. Not wanting to irritate an already upset Bush by clarifying the facts, the chef rang up Rice and told her that the President wanted to meet her urgently at the White House.
When Rice reached the White House within minutes, the chef ordered the White House security to tie her up with ropes. He then dumped her in a huge cauldron, Asterix style, and cooked her alive.
The President, according to senior White House staff, burped after the meal and promised the chef a senior post in the administration.
Bush, at the time of going to the Press, has not been informed of the faux pas.
The Rice family is in a state of shock.

Greenpeace award for Bush

2004-05-30T05:24:00.000-07:00

Greenpeace has presented the United States President George W Bush the Environmentalist of the Century Award at a function at the White House on Sunday.
The international organization said the award was presented as Bush had always encouraged the growth of bushes globally, and especially in the White House.
The Bush Administration’s policy on environment has also been acclaimed worldwide as being eco-friendly.
Bush is known to gift a bush to any world leader he visits him at the White House or Camp David. Even when he visits any country, Bush always carries along a bush, which he gifts to the leader of that country.
His by now famous comment, when presenting the gift is, ‘By George!’
All the world leaders, including British Prime Minister Tony Blair, have named the bushes ‘George’.
Greenpeace was said to be greatly impressed with this act of George Bush and then decided to create the award especially for the President.
A statement from Greenpeace said, ‘The world has the wrong impression that the US President George Bush is known for engaging in bush wars across the universe. He is, in fact, a lover of greenery and wildlife. For this we honor him, the greatest love of peace.’

Tony Blair admits: Jayson Blair my son

2004-05-30T05:22:00.000-07:00

British Prime Minister Tony Blair admitted that reporter Jayson Blair, who quit The New York Times after he had plagiarised and fabricated dozens of stories, is his son.
Tony said he and his wife Cherie had dumped Jayson in New York when he was a new-born infant soon after they discovered his skin color.
Jayson was found by a do-gooder and taken to an orphanage in Manhattan. Later in life, Jayson lied and pretended to be of African American descent.
Jayson had quit The Times last May after admitting that he lied in many of his reports, while Tony is under pressure to quit since many months after his critics say he lied over the existence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
The British prime minister admitted he felt very guilty about his act and said he was in talks with Jayson for his safe return to the United Kingdom.
Cherie said she felt the same emotions and assured Jayson that she would ensure he got a job in a British tabloid which is known for faking stories. She would not reveal the tabloid's name for fear of someone sabotaging his job prospects.
In the one-line statement released to the world press, the senior Blairs said from 10 Downing Street, 'We love you, Jayson Blair!'
Jayson Blair refused to comment on the latest revelation.

CNN plans Larry King Dead

2004-05-24T08:11:00.000-07:00

CNN announced today that it would soon launch a show to be called Larry King Dead.
The program would have star host Larry King interview stars from the past, who have died.
The logistics have nearly been worked out, a CNN spokesperson said. AT&T is said to be finalizing the network needed for linking up Heaven and Hell to Earth.
One of the first personalities King is likely to interview on his new show will be Jesus Christ. The choice comes as the controversial movie The Passion of the Christ is making headlines all over the world. The Devil is said to be lobbying hard to be featured on the inaugural show, but CNN top guns are said to be resisting.
Other top personalities lined up include Abraham Lincoln, John F Kennedy, Elvis Presley, Mother Teresa and Mahatma Gandhi.
King said it would not be a problem locating the personalities, as most of them would be in Heaven.
The program, true to its name, will be telecast in the dead of the night, in the United States.
CNN refused to say whether Larry King Live would continue.

Blogging to be banned

2004-05-17T03:49:00.001-07:00

So called 'blogging' will be banned from June 1, 2004. Most world governments have agreed in principle to the ban and are busy consulting international legal experts and geeks on working out modalities for the ban, which they termed 'an evil'.

The ban plan follows an international campaign launched against blogs by many editors. The World Editors Guild said nowadays most journalists only blogged and never worked.

Guild President Nikhil Lakshman, who is the editor of rediff.com and the India Abroad newspaper said most of his senior editorial staff did nothing but blog the whole day and night. ''It is affecting work. blogging must be banned.''

Lakshman is said to have written to United States President George W Bush and convinced him about the ban.

Bush reportedly replied to Lakshman, ''Yes, I agree with you. These bloggers do nothing but speak evil about the United States of America. They have conned many editors into taking fake photographs of American and British troops in Iraq too. Some day they will clog the world with blogs if we don't ban them now.''
British Prime Minister Tony Blair said, ''I totally agree with Mr Bush.''

United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan said, ''If Bush supports the ban, I too support it. The UN always believes in doing what is good for the world.''
Top bloggers were unavailable for comment as they were busy blogging.

Mel Gibson plans The Passion of the Devil

2004-05-17T03:49:00.000-07:00

Mel Gibson is not giving up after the unprecedented success of his film The Passion of the Christ. He will now make The Passion of the Devil.

The filmmaker admitted that soon after he made The Passion of the Christ, he had a dream. The Devil, he revealed, appeared to him in a dream and spoke to him for about an hour.

Gibson refused to reveal details on their discussion in his dream. But sources close to very reliable sources that are very close to Gibson said that the Devil is said to have requested the star to make a film on him.

Gibson, unwilling to make enemies either in Heaven or Hell, is said to have agreed to the project in principle.

Shooting is likely to begin in Iraq, soon after the fighting ends there. A proposal to shoot live in Hell was turned down by Gibson after the Devil rejected a request for air-conditioning on the sets.

Gibson, who is now said to have been converted, reportedly screamed recently at a fan who congratulated him on the success of his movie on Christ, 'To hell with you!!!''
Top film critics said this clearly implied his conversion to Satanism.

Expenses for The Passion of the Devil will be nil for Gibson, as the Devil is said to be totally sponsoring the project.

Laughter the worst medicine: doctors

2004-05-17T03:47:00.000-07:00

Laughter is the worst medicine, doctors in a top international medical research center in London have revealed.

Dr Henry Livingston, director of the London Medical Sciences Institute, stated, ‘‘Don’t ever laugh! It can kill you!’’

Till now it has been believed that laughter is the best medicine, but Dr Livingston stated that medical experiments conducted on 100 people from the United States of America, the United Kingdom, France, China, India and Haiti proved that laughter is dangerous.

He said that most patients had put on excess weight when they laughed twice a day. Those who laughed 10 times a day put on at least 10 pounds after a month of experimentation, he revealed.

And those who laughed 11 times died immediately after the experiments ended.
Dr Livingston suggested that people take life very seriously if they want to live long. ‘‘Life is no laughing matter,’’ he stated.

He concluded by saying that people must not read anything to do with laughter, but quickly added that people could read thespoof.com as the satire web site had an inbuilt mechanism to take care of excess laughter that could lead to death.

Schwarzenegger to end Iraq war

2004-05-13T15:10:00.000-07:00

United States President George W Bush is about to make an important announcement that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be appointed to a special post in Iraq.
White House officials told this correspondent the California governor was given a one-line brief: end the war in Iraq.
The officials said the only thing Schwarzenegger has been promised by Bush is a special armoured tank and a rocket launcher.
Schwarzenegger can travel to any part of Iraq he wants. He will have unlimited access.
He can do what he wants. He can sack whom he wants. He can appoint whom he wants. He can kill whom he wants.
But, he has to end the uprising following the overthrow and subsequent capture of Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein.
Schwarzenegger is said to have agreed to the brief and even went to the extent of telling Bush that he would need no arms, as he had his own, to deal with the conflict.
''I will rip them apart raw, with my bare hands. Those Iraqis who do not respect my President, how dare they!'' he said.
The Terminator termed as True Lies suggestions that he was afraid to take on the Iraqi Commandos.
By The Sixth Day, he said, he would turn on the Red Heat on the infidels in Iraq.
If he failed in his mission, he stated, he would be ready for a Total Recall.
He said he was also ready to take on The Running Man Osama bin Laden.

Google is lost

2004-05-13T15:09:00.000-07:00

Google is lost. A worldwide web search has been launched to located the search engine and its employees.
Yahoo, MSN an other top search engines have been entrusted with the task of locating Google and its staff.
Scotland Yard, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Central Intelligence Agency, the Department of Homeland Security and other leading agencies have been included in the hunt.
There have been conflicting reports on how Google got lost. One report said that an Iraqi missile attack had obliterated the search engine and its employees from the face of the Earth and the web.
Another report said Google had staged the act to gain publicity.
The Spoof learns that anyone who locates Google will be gifted two free Gmail accounts.
Obviously, no Google employee was available for comment.

AOL to offer 1,000 GB of Email storage for free

2004-05-13T15:08:00.000-07:00

Gmail, watch out, here comes AOL. What Gmail can do, AOL can do better.

After Gmail announced April 1 this year that it would offer from 1 GB of free email storage in its new email service, AOL today announced it would offer 1,000 GB of free email storage from April 1, 2005.

Beta testing for AOL's new offer is on. Experts said it would zip all email archived, and would unzip it when the subscriber wants to read it. With that, it will save precious server space.

All active AOL subscribers are being offered beta testing of the new service.

Some subscribers we spoke to over the telephone said the service was 'superb!'
An AOL spokesman said, 'With Gmail you can save all mail in a lifetime. With AOL's new service, you will be able to save all mail of 100 lifetimes.'

Gmail was unavailable for comment. Repeated calls to the Gmail headquarters drew this automated reply: This route is busy. Please try again after some time. In the meantime, Google!'

Bush tortures Rumsfeld: Exclusive photos!

2004-05-13T15:07:00.000-07:00

United States President George W Bush summoned his Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to the White House and tortured him for nearly an hour May 9.

Stunning photographs of the torture are being circulated across the Arab world.
Former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein, in a reaction secretly smuggled out to Al Jazeera television, is learned to have stated: ‘Rumsfeld deserved it. I wish I could have joined Mr Bush in the torture!’

Bush is said to have repeatedly taunted Rumsfeld during that hour in a toilet in the White House. He used a leather whip to get Rumsfeld to bend on his knees and plead, ‘Don’t, Sir. Don’t, Sir. I will never do it again all alone. The next time we do it, I will definitely invite you!’

One photograph has National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice, in military uniform, standing beside a battered Rumsfeld, who was near-naked.

Secretary of State Colin Powell is said to have walked out soon after the torture began, saying, ‘This place truly stinks!’

In an exclusive satellite television arrangement with BBC World, British Prime Minister Tony Blair is said to have watched the torture live.

Later, White House emergency medical staff reportedly rushed Rumsfeld to a secret private hospital, where he is recovering.

Bush has ordered a high-level inquiry into how news of the torture leaked out.

If anyone wants exclusive post-card prints of the torture, free of cost, please email me at anthonydcosta@gmail.com with your real name, address, day time telephone number and clearly mention sex. Remember, the photographs are graphic!

Bush to outsource his job from India

2004-05-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

United States President George W Bush has decided to outsource his job from India.

The move follows unprecedented pressure the President is under, with too many things happening all over the world and America being unable to bring about peace.

As if the Israel-Palestine problem was not enough to handle, India-Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq, Haiti and a host of other hotspots popped up on the global map.

According to top US administration sources, Bush called up Indian Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee and requested him to make arrangements for his job to be outsourced from India.

Bush and Vajpayee share a very good equation, with the former helping the Indian leader make peace with Pakistan. The peace moves with Pakistan, Vajpayee’s Bharatiya Janata Party-led National Democratic Alliance hopes, will secure it another term in office.

Vajpayee is said to have agreed to make arrangements for the outsourcing, despite his own heavy schedule, with a national election coming up.

Many top Indian politicians, including Indian Deputy Prime Minister L K Advani and Opposition leader Sonia Gandhi, are said to be lobbying for the top post.

With the Congress Party set for a humiliating defeat in the national election, Gandhi seems to be the hot favorite. Her Italian lineage will help, with the Americans having a soft corner for immigrants.

At the time of going to press, details on the exact mechanics of the outsourcing were not available. International political analysts who did not want to be identified said Bush could continue to be President in name, while an Indian would handle the day-to-day running of the administration. Indian political pundits, who again did not want to be identified, ruled that out, and said the US President would probably shift to Camp David for the rest of his term.

The decision to outsource the job in India reported came after all senior US administration officials refused the job. Bush is said to have feared that Democratic challenger John F Kerry could make a bid for the top job.

The US media is yet to react to the President’s move, but the reaction is likely to be negative with the nation up in arms against outsourcing of jobs from India.

Repeated telephone calls to Bush and e-mails to the White House were not answered.